I've shared many of times on this site and I'm coming to believe that I wont understand my pain in this lifetime. His choice not mine. Sadly I was kidnapped and what you can imagine happened at age 5. I wish I knew where the father was when it happened because he wasn't there w me I can tell you that. My father age 65 did the unthinkable. Drugged my very beautiful girlfriend while I was gone and did the unthinkable and then told me? Who does that. Its been 10 years. I cant tell you how many times I've thought about going home to the father my way. But Im fine now. I went to Thailand to fight Mua Thai. That helped only temporarily. My mother says you need to watch "I can only imagine" the movie. Well I cant imagine and I seem to live in this rotating prayer life. Im starting to wonder if my prayers are fighting through the angels fighting as well as Jacob. 🙂 When people ask why don't you have a relationship with your father. I tell them its incomprehensible. They say common tell me. I tell them and they say yea it is incomprehensible. I know this life is not about this life but the millenial kingdom but man it can sure be extremely painful. I've prayed to the father forgiveness. I've asked that I may forgive my father but my heart is angry. I want to join the army and rush into battle. The father says he'll never give you more than you can handle and I know thats debatable but many times I feel like he has. I need prayer for to forgive because right now I cant and haven't for the last 10 years. I've begged pleaded, bargained, cried, and sobbed to no avail. I know its not my time but his but man pain seems to be my middle name. I eat every day. I have all my limbs. A roof over my head. A great dog. No PTSD thank you for your service my fellow service men. An amazing mother and son who kind of likes me. I am blessed. But I am worried that if I were to pass that the father wont forgive me as I have not forgiven those who have sinned against me. Am I alone? Many times I feel like it. oh, Boulder . . It's so not easy to live this life on earth ~~ forgiving is letting go of bitterness, resentment, anger ~ ~ asking our Lord to help you forgive, His Spirit promises He won't leave you to flounder, but promises to lead you in His direction of peace ~ When my ex husband walked out on me, and left me with 3 little children to raise on my own, I held on to deep bitterness, and hatred, and anger and resentment. . .I clearly remember crying out to our God, 'help me, Father" . . I heard the Spirit of God say to me as clear as anything I've ever heard: "Forgive him" . . right then I knew I had to . . and the feeling of peace in Jesus gradually won my heart, and wiped away bitterness . ~~ ~~ ~ Focusing on the Goodness of our Father is hugely beneficial when desiring to forgive our enemies ~ ~ ~. . how can it be, yet so true, at the Cross in unspeakable agony, Jesus, cried out: Forgive them, Father, they don't know what they're doing . . ~ ~ of course, you are not condoning the wrong that happened to you, or acting as if it never happened— ~ Still, our God promises there ARE benefits letting go of anger and resentment ~~ Jesus promises when we do forgive, we can experience true peace ~~ Nothing that anyone can say that will bring healing to your soul, that can only come from God! I also held anger against someone for many many years. I was so angry I didn't know who to attach it to. My wife was an incest and sexual abuse survivor. Needless to say there were some insurmountable challenges to overcome. I didn't know who to put the blame on, God included. I've heard it taught that the forgiveness we offer another sometimes releases us to forgive ourselves. I then made up my mind to wrestle a blessing from God. I challenged Him to a wrestling match as well as with every angel in Hell. I then challenged the Lord directly in order to save my marriage. Having done all that she could, and having done all that I could, I then asked the Lord to do all that He could. Then the Lord asked me to die to myself! In every area of my life! Putting her needs and the Lord's needs before my own desires. I am reminded daily how my desires show how much I love myself! Lastly, I introduced on another thread the idea that we all have been burdened with a crown of thorns which rests upon each of our hearts. Certainly we all have known suffering. Continue crying before the Lord, and He will continue to gather our tears. For the testimony of our tears shall garnish many rewards! I have always know the blessings of the Lord personally. But thankfully He did the greatest miracle of saving me from myself, for His self! After 42yrs of marriage, we love each other more now than ever before. Love & blessings...Tender Reed 1st John 1:19 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Boulder the Holy Spirit let's us know what is in need of attention in our lives. Pray the Spirit put into a prayer a way for you to deal with this act of forgiveness and remove any unforgiveness you may have. Jesus can do for us what we are incapable of doing ourselves. It hurts us all in our hearts when you are in pain as we are all brothers and sisters here in Christ. You are not alone . You are in my prayers, I'm so sorry for this burden that was placed on you. May God grant you peace and a escape from this pain in your life. Love in Christ your brother Blake :prayer-hands: Hi Boulder. Very sorry for your pain. In my experience, there are rarely adequate words and even less frequently quick fixes for these kinds of spiritual struggles. That said, I feel led to share some perspective with you that perhaps the Lord can use to help you. This is something I have learned the hard way over the years, and honestly am continuing to deal with it right now in an area of my life. Forgiveness, at least in my experience and understanding, is first and foremost a decision of the will. There is not a requirement that your emotions cooperate in your decision to forgive. You can proclaim forgiveness before the Lord with a decision of your will, even as you pour out an honest heart to confess that your emotions are raging against such a proclamation. "God, I'm angry and don't feel like he deserves forgiveness, but I am willing to extend forgiveness as a choice of my will." Sometimes, if we are honest with the Lord, the best we can at the start is tell God we are willing to be willing. I have found that if we make our will the "Engine of the train" and our emotions the "caboose", eventually the caboose will get in line and follow the engine (and honestly for me sometimes it takes awhile for the caboose to follow). Of course, apart from the Holy Spirit and crying out to the Lord in prayer, this can become a futile exercise in self-help. But framed in heartfelt cries unto the Lord, I believe He will honor it with supernatural power that will bring healing in your emotions over time. Sometimes, I think of it in terms of myself standing before God with 2 buttons. One button represents holding onto the unforgiveness (which, by the way, is usually based in something very real and is very understandable) and the other button represents forgiveness. I picture myself standing before the Lord and Him asking me, "Are you willing (based on my will) to forgive _____fill in the blank____?" Would I be willing to push the forgiveness button? And keep in mind, pushing the forgiveness button does NOT mean it was OK and does NOT mean it never happened. It means you are willing to entrust the situation to the Sovereign, Just, Merciful, Righteous Judge of the Universe to deal with in whatever manner He deems best. Feeling like I am rambling a bit here, but I pray the Lord will use this to help you navigate the journey of forgiveness. That journey does not have to wait to begin until your emotions cooperate. It can begin with a moment of honest, raw, genuine decisiveness of your will that you may absolutely feel like NOT doing, but are willing to do as an act of faith in obedience. Grace and peace to you brother. God hears, God sees, God knows! TR Oh, sweet brother, I promise you you’re not alone in feeling that way! My heart breaks for all the pain you’ve been through! My marriage has gone through major turmoil over the years - my husband had several affairs, one of which that I know was physical. There are times when I feel that I’ve forgiven him, but very deep down I know I haven’t, even though I absolutely want to. Forgiveness is something I actually hand out pretty freely, but this has been a major stumbling block for me in many ways. I’m praying for you. Blessed that we have this loving forum back to help us in so many ways! We'll I said some very mean things to my father this weekend. He wanted to see my son and I said no way. There was nothing Christ Like with my comments. My anger is really hostile towards him. Tender Reed I agree with your comments. I'm not sure how to let my anger go its so intense. I have prayed for ever it seems for grace and peace in my life. Ive asked for guidance too no avail Nicole, bless your heart Sis! Boulder 95, you as well. I can honestly say that it took many years to finally be released from my anger. But the point to my sharing my story, was that by God's grace, I was proactive in wanting to save my marriage. Like every man before me, I did not want to admit that a Christian marriage was in such jeapardy. Seems to me as well, that we must also be proactive in wanting to secure a release from anger, our prison! Also I believe that if we do our little part, He will do the rest! A word of warning, the sooner you realize that most of your anger is fed by Satan! Through my won ordeal, I have become familiar with the enemies voice and tactics. He doesn't want to forgive, forget or let it go! TR 
