Lately, the enemy has been trying and trying to get to me. I've recently claimed all authority over my children, that the enemy cannot get to them but through me (and I continue to do so, as it doesn't hurt to re-affirm that authority, as I've noticed it seems to "degrade" over time, maybe "new" demons come in to take over where the bound ones failed, I don't know) -- anyway. The enemy was getting to my kids, so I claimed authority over them.
Since then, the enemy's been attacking me, and definitely using me to get to my kids in the nasty things I say or the way I behave. I usually don't realize it's an attack until after the fact, and I rebuke the enemy in Jesus' name. Well, tonight, I had a raving blow-out over nothing at all (my girls painting their nails). My baby daughter threw a tempter tantrum and my dog was chasing the cat through the house almost knocking over my coffee table, not to mention playing with a random basket ball that was on the floor... And I lost it.
All kinds of foul language, rage, and anger flew out of me, literally out of nowhere, and all my kids got this "deer in the headlights" look on their faces. I could hear the Spirit yelling at me to STOP, so I left the room to cool off.
Immediately, I apologized to God. I knew what I had done was such a terrible, horrible, UGLY sin. He told me to march right back out there and apologize to my girls and my dog -- which I did. They were crying, and a bit afraid to see Mom come unglued like that. That made me feel like such a worm.
I left the room after hugging and kissing my girls and saying I was so sorry with a depressed, hopeless weight on my shoulders. I went into my bathroom, opened the window, and saw the moon right outside, shining full and bright in the sky. That's when I broke down.
In that moment, I realized the magnificence of God's amazing grace. We talk about it, we sing about it, and we say we sin every day. And I've even cried over my own sin, wanting to be holy as Christ is holy. But there was something different about THIS time. I don't know if it's because it was an enemy attack, or if it was a sin so shocking (I NEVER act like that), that it kind of jolted me out of my comfort zone a bit.
I knew then that God holds my destiny. There is NO HOPE without Christ. After witnessing such disgusting sin within myself, in almost an out-of-body way, I realized I am NOTHING without His glorious sacrifice. I guess I finally "understood" the weight of the Grace of God.
He would be completely JUST to send me to Hell. He owes me nothing.
I have done NOTHING to earn my salvation. It's all HIS work, HIS glory, HIS victory.
We are NOTHING without Him, folks. I want you guys to know that. I came face to face with that truth tonight, and it makes me love Christ all the more. What the enemy meant for evil, God has worked for good. I understand how completely undeserving I am of His love, and I also understand how much He showers it on me anyway!
We serve such a GOOD, LOVING, MERCIFUL God, it literally blows my mind. I cannot fathom His grace. It is overwhelming.
I repented of what I'd done, and I know God forgave me. My children forgave me, my dog forgave me. And I felt the Lord with me as I stood in my bathroom, gazing out at the moon and crying out to Him, "Don't leave me! You're all I have. Without You, I am lost. I am nothing!"
You know what I felt? PEACE. I will never leave you, He whispered to my spirit.
Oh, brethren, HOW can we NOT be totally head-over-heels IN LOVE with our magnificent Bridegroom?
Thank you, Jesus, truly, for the sacrifice You made for me. You are the only reason I live and breathe -- to give all the praise, honor, and glory back to YOU.