Thank you all for your prayers and support (Lisa - dear sis - I can feel you are praying for me daily).

I thought things could not get more rock bottom - however today I found myself unable to get out of bed.  My legs are so shaky they won't carry me.  So I am sitting up in bed with my laptop here - praying.

This illness/disease - whatever it is - of anxiety and utter panic/terror is a demon for sure.  But I do not know what else to do to combat it.  I have rebuked it in Jesus' name many times.  I have tried during the past week many many avenues seeking help (Australian Governement, Housing welfare, Missions etc) - even my church can only offer pastoral counseling and Im now too scared to leave the house.  I know what this is - it is agoraphobia and it's terrifying.  I honestly - stand back in amazement - and can't believe this has happened to me.  Confident and capable Susan - always there for everyone else - always in control - and wham.

No luck on the housing issue - I am down to 2 weeks now and I have no idea how to go about anything.  I have heavy furniture and all my personal posessions - nowhere to store things even if I could find shelter. 

On top of all this - my sister, Christine, is rapidly going downhill (terminal cancer).  She sounds so very weak when I speak to her on the phone and she's losing her voice as the tumor in her spine is pressing on certain nerves.  Out of my family - she has offered me a place to stay.  This is unbelievable to me - my sister - who is dying - has offered that I can stay with them.  I cannot do it - firstly - her daugher (my niece) would have an utter fit (she's a doctor and very protective of both her Mother and my Mother - her Nan).  Secondly - how could I foist myself on this very private time that is left between husband and wife.  It's unthinkable.  I am very grateful and very touched but she would have a huge added burden of me in their house and "me" at the moment is an ill me - that would be terrible for her. Also I could not have even one cat there - they have dogs that hate cats (they live on a farm) so still this problem and the problem of furniture storage etc.  I have considered it but I feel there is no way I can put them in this position - she offered from desparation and love.

Lastly - I feel this horrible hopelesness and such a sense of being an utter failure.  I have tried so hard to beat this thing.  I have forced myself places I didn't want to go and held back the panic which has then burst out as I come home.  I have tried rationalising it - and telling myself it is so utterly stupid. But - the thing is - it's not just free floating fear.  There is the very real fear/threat of homelesness and this further impacts the condition.

I wish I could say any of the agencies I have called here in Australia have been helpful but really quite the opposite.  I am on disability but it only covers food and things like power, phone etc.  It is a small amount which includes $95 rental assistance per fortnight - my fnitely rental is $660.  Also if I break my lease (which expires in November) I will have terrible rental references and find it very hard to ever rent again. 

I guess you'll all see how my brain is circling wearily around and around like a horrid broken record.  Today I have not even been able to pray - last night I prostrated myself and prayed much.

This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life - and today I caught myself contemplating taking a whole pack of pills and just never waking up.  That scared me stupid so I rang my Doctor and we had a good chat - He is a gem.  Please don't worry - I would never do it because I think it's a sin and it would cause far too much grief - but our minds will bring that up at times and it becomes a very scary thought.

Thank you all simply for 'listening' - sometimes it is helpful just to write down what is happening and of course I value your prayers so much.  I am so sorry if this smacks of self pity - I am trying hard not to fall into that trap - I just feel so desparate and so very very alone.

God bless you all - faithful prayer warriors.  Perhaps the Lord is using this to refine me in some way for something in the future that I cannot even begin to imagine.  Because - there must be a reason to all this.

ysiC, Susan in Aussie Land. 

I am praying, too.  Our Lord has a plan to get you out of this.  I don't know what it is, though.  I do know He is faithful.  My only thought is that maybe you have a friend that could take the cats on a temporary basis for you.  I think that might relieve your burden a bit.  I will keep praying.  Wish we lived closer.  I might have some ideas if I knew more about your country.  My pastor came out of Hillsong there where you are.  They have a lot of programs, but it sounds like you have looked at your local resources.  It must be the weekend where you are.  I think just letting your mind rest this weekend is a good choice to make - if you are able to do that.  There is nothing to be done about the housing right now with the government programs.  I'm glad you talked to the doctor when you felt so low.  I have faith in my heart for your situation.  I suspect that your sister's health is affecting your anxiety more than you realize and has made this problem worse.  Please keep those lines of communication open with your doctor.  Let's keep praying this weekend and see if something will open up or become clearer for you.  Your situation has not escaped the Masters view or His care.  Keep us posted. 

Praying for you too Susan.

Susan, I am so sorry. do you have a church that you can ask for help. I once was in a situation where i had to leave a place & had no money for first and last month's rent so I can move somewhere else. A lady I just met told me that God put it on her heart to take me in. I ended up moving to her place for a while and it was lovely. there must be somebody out there. i will pray that God will put it on someone's heart to do something.

Susan ~

If your lease doesn't expire until November, why do you need to be out in 2 weeks?

Have you specifically asked your Pastors to ask the congregation if any of the members have or know of any rentals for you?  This needs to go beyond pastoral counseling into the Pastors involving the church members to see if they know of any possibilities by word of mouth.

I believe you need to be rallying your family (and friends), asking them to make a place to stay for you in their home or elsewhere.  Asking them to either open their homes, or help find something for you, until you can get back on your feet. 

This situation is too serious for you to just hope or wish the other members of your family offer you something - I believe you need to be asking them to litterally help you.

Help you by taking you in, help you by finding a place to store or take in your belongings and cats, help you sell anything you might need to sell, and most importantly help you pack up and move if need be. 

I believe you need to be activly involving your family with the needs you have, who should have some kind of compassion for your situation.  I cannot conceive of a family that would watch another family member become homeless! 

If the church cannot help you after the Pastors put out an urgent plea this Sunday to the members, then you need to be working on this with your family to come to a conclusion and decision in how they can and will step up and come alongside you to get you into some kind of workable living situation somewhere.

You should not delay on this.  Yes, God can and does do miracles, but I believe you need to take these last steps with church and family to see if God has anything through them for you. 

Since all else seems to have failed - if the Pasotrs can't or won't, or already have put out an urgent plea for you to the members to know if they know of something available, the next step is then making your family aware that you need them now to come together in helping you and taking you in, or helping finding quarters for you - whatever it takes!  Unless they have no heart, I cannot imagine that they would not respond!

This is not a time to wait out each day.  I believe you need to step this up to follow through with these two suggestions at a greater level of intensity to involve either the church members in something they may know of that is available, and/or your boldly going to the remainder of your family to tell them you need physical, emotional and practical hands on help right now.  Call a meeting with them by phone or otherwise to lay out your needs.  Your family will then hopefully extend the hand of help to you that is needed. 

As you move out to do these things, I believe God will be overseeing and designing the end result for you, whether it be in your moving out, or staying where you are.  He may have another answer not yet thought of....but He will meet you somehow and will provide because He does not leave His children forsaken or begging bread.

I know this is difficult to face.  I know it is a burden and a heavy load right now, and I pray Lord that you will remove this heavy load from Susan and give her the light load, and touch someone surrounding her with compassion and the means to help.  I pray You will bring her into a peaceful living situation to where she can know that You have removed the heavy load from her so that she can breath, find peace and begin to heal emotionally. Lord, help Susan to let go of all she needs to let go of, including earthly belongings, and replace these things God with exactly what she needs at this time and no more.  Only You know Father what Susan needs, and I pray now that You will move on her behalf in Jesus Name.

Blessings to you and on your church members and/or family to be instruments of the Lord, somehow someway that only He knows right now. ~

my heart breaks for you. it sounds like you are too paralyzed by fear to do anything. God is with you. He is your strength. Ask HIm to help you do one little thing, a baby step. Anything that needs to be done. It may mean something as little as making a meal for yourself or getting dressed. Praise God, no matter how you feel, while you take a tiny step. Ask him to help you do another little thing and another. it sounds so easy, but i know it is not. i am praying for you. God can do anything, in an instant. He is much bigger than this problem. Please Jesus, today let Susan see and know that you are working this out for her good.

Susan, Is God trying to get your attention?  Is there an open door available to you, a calling, something on your heart that you are meant to pursue?  This might be something forgotten or a passing thought.  Are there activities that come naturally to you that don't cause anxiety? 

If you spend time in His Word perhaps you'll recognize the calling or opportunity that He wants for you.  The anxiety/frustration may be the Holy Spirit's way of making you change direction.  He is always caring for you.  You have value beyond royalty.  You are His.

Thank you all.  Kolleen - I don't have the money to pay more than 2 weeks rent because of my condition I cannot currently work and disability pension is nowhere near enough. (just to clarify that).  Also my church is very small and struggle to make ends meet so apart from love and prayer there is not much that can be done.

I want you all to know I appreciate your suggestions.  Problem is - I am literally "paralysed by fear" and this is making it terribly hard to even get out of the house - actually it's got a bit worse - I seem to only feel a measure of peace in my bedroom.  Im having a visit next week from a Centrelink Social Worker.

However, a gentleman I met recently through a Christian website here in Australia and who has been praying for me and visited me last Sunday night specifically to pray with me and loan me some books has offered me accommodation  -just like that.  He said the Lord had impressed on his heart that he was to be of service in my life. I am gob smacked.  He is a lovely man - divorced not of his own choice and with a teenage daughter and a 20 year old son.  He attends a Pentecostal church.  He has called me every night and prayed with me over the phone and sends little emails throughout the day with prayer and praise points.  The Lord has surely put this man into my life for a reason.  He lives in a rural area - about an hour and a half away from here so it would be difficult but the lifeline is there if I need it. I am ashamed that a virtual stranger would take me under his roof - but the Lord has laid it on my heart to be thankful rather than ashamed (I am ashamed of my familly).  I managed my normal Saturday morning taking my Mum to and fro her hairdresser appt - then she wanted to go to the garden shop - then the library.... she never thinks of the cost of gas and she chattered on like there was not a care in the world.  It is like her eyes have been closed - although in an email she said she is "worried sick" about me.  But not worried sick enough to offer me a home (yes this still hurts and I am asking God to help me put it out of my mind and reach a state of acceptance about this).  If I end up living down at Victor Harbor in this gentleman's home I will not be able to care for my Mother at all.  I am seeking God's wisdom in this matter - but it was no small coincidence we met and he is such a lovely man who clearly walks with the Lord.  I have no feelings of 'romance' and hope he doesn't either - I am not in that space at the current time.  God has laid it on my heart not to live with my sister - I believe she and her husband deserve the time she has left - to be together with no intrusion. They have been married for 40 years now and are still as in love as the day they wed.  As she is now off all treatment they have told her her time is very limited - we are still praying for her healing though - we will never stop that until she has gone home to Glory. 

Once again, thank you.  Many of your responses brought tears  - tears of release which are probably cleansing tears.  Today  - for the first time in many weeks I feel as if God is in control of the situation and I have a measure of peace in my heart.  I may be homeless, I may be without my things, I may have to find homes for the puss cats - but nobody can take my Jesus away from me.  To be able to sit quietly today and actually enjoy a cup of tea and a biscuit without having nausea was wonderful - it's amazing how we take the smallest things for granted.  It is raining here and I like to think of all the little seeds lying dormant under the earth  - waiting to burst forth in the spring time with flowers and leaves - I know my Spring time will come again too.

With love and thanks, ( I will keep you posted)

ysiC, Susan.

Susan>>  But not worried sick enough to offer me a home (yes this still hurts and I am asking God to help me put it out of my mind and reach a state of acceptance about this.

Dear Susan ~ this was one of my main points in all that I wrote to you!

Is there any reason that you cannot ask your mum for lodging?

My point was for you to not hope or wish that your family would ask you to stay with them, but that you would ask them, whichever one, and it looks like your mum, for a place to stay.

Could it be that it is the Lord wanting you to ask outright for your mum to give you a place?

What do you have to lose in asking her? 

Why not lay down anything and everything within you that wants you to resist asking her for a place to stay, and just ask her.  This is what I was trying to point out, that your situation is dire, and that it is important to ask your family to be involved in helping you.

If your mum has the space and the place, then why not take the step to ask her for accomodations?  It may be Gods answer for you.  She may be thinking just like you are, "Well, Susan hasn't asked to move in with me, so it must mean she doesn't want to live with me...."  We don't know the thoughts of another until we ask!

Why not ask her, just so that you can say either way, that you have done it, and can check it off either way, in that she says either no or yes!  If she says yes, would it be the answer you need and are looking for?  Would it be the immediate answer to  your need and the best choice for you under the circumstances - if your mum said yes, come live with me?

Your mum is the one who has everything to lose, as she would lose your companionship, and the help you give her in the needs she has, and how she depends on you. 

It would only be fair to her, to give her the choice of deciding, does she want to lose all that by your moving away into this man's home, or does she want you to stay, and therefore she will offer you the place you need.  At least please give her the chance to give you the opportunity to stay with her or not.  It is better to speak up and ask her openly, because how do you know that living with her is not Gods answer for now?  What if the answer is living with her, what if she would say yes, but you will not know if you don't follow thru to ask her.  If she says yes, live with her, it will be her love for you extending out to you.

When you mentioned this man who has come alongside you now, it was wonderful to see the spiritual and prayer support he has been to you.  And it seems a divine connection that the Lord has raised up that a brother in the Lord would extend himself and dedicate himself in going the extra mile to help see you thru what you are facing. 

As much of a godly man and help that he is to you, I sense a caution regarding any woman moving into any mans home who is a stranger to them.  This is the reason that I would ask you to first verbally ask your mum if you can live with her. To know for certain whether or not it is God's preferred choice for you!

If your mum says no, and it is your decision to move in with him, I hope it is with the full knowledge of your pastors, his pastors, and leadership, so that as soon as possible they might be able to help place you in a different living situation, where a single man and a single woman are not sharing the same house. 

Please receive and accept all that I am trying to share with you, in the way that it is intended.  That you have God's best, and know what His best is by following thru with the things I have suggested in these last hours of decision.  Please offer your mum that chance by talking to her, to open her doors to you - or not - but at least you will know if not, that you gave her the opportunity, no matter the outcome.

Blessings and love ~

Kolleen sis,

I'm not sure if you read what Susan said in a previous post, but Susan's neice told her not to ask her mother to move in with her because she needed her peace.  I'm pretty sure that's why Susan is hesitant to ask her mother for lodging.

However, Susan, I think Kolleen has a point.  I would strongly suggest that you have a meeting with all your family: your daughter, your neice, her husband, and your mother and tell them just how dire your situation is.  Explain to them that unless you receive the funds to be able to pay your rent in two weeks, you will be evicted from your apartment.  Tell them that you have done everything in the world to help yourself; i.e., seen a psychiatrist, gone to the government for help, tried to work, etc. and there is no help forthcoming.  Swallow your pride and put aside your concern about imposing on your family and ask for their help straight out, whether it's to help you financially to be able to stay in your apartment, or a place to stay.  Like Kolleen said, the worst they can say is "no"  but at least you will know where you stand. 

About living with that kind gentleman, I would only take him up on his offer as a last resort after you have exhausted all your other resouces....your family and the visit you have with your social worker next week.  And, of course, with the understanding that the relationship would be strictly platonic just as friends. 

Personally, I hope that the social worker can help you find a government subsity to give you the financial means to stay in your apartment.  I will pray earnestly for that.  And I will continue to pray for complete healing for you, and that the Lord will put compassion on the hearts of your family to help you. 

Love and hugs, dear sister.

How are you doing, Susan?  Please let us know what's happening with you. Dd you met with the social worker or had a serious talk with your family about what you're going through right now?

Still praying, dear sister.

Susan,

I've experienced paralyzing fear in an area of my life. I want to share it with you in hopes that it might help you. I decided to learn to ride a motorcycle. After taking the safety course and passing, I got my license. The first time I took my bike out just riding, I took a corner too fast and was thrown off the bike at 20 mph. After that day, I was too paralyzed with fear to ride it on the streets. One afternoon, I had it at the end of the driveway, and I was locked down with fear. I'd been taking it to the end of the driveway for about a month and a half without going further. I couldn't get it out on the road. I sat there in tears. My husband walked down the drive to me and said, "Ride it or sell it". He walked off. It was so harsh, and I didn't like it. I got mad. I got angry. I rode it.

The first time, I was scared witless, and the second and third weren't much better, but I was determined in my anger over what my husband said to "ride it". One day, I looked up and it dawned on me I wasn't scared anymore. Long story short, my husband knew my character and knew that making me mad would make me fight. Satan needed to be kicked in the teeth. I'd let him steal too much. It was time to go to the enemy's camp and take back what he stole from me. It was a lesson that I needed to "do it afraid". Walking through my fear instead of running from it, freed me, and just like Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego, Jesus danced through the fire of fear with me. Take heart my sister, you have the armor of God. You are more than able to fight! Get mad at the enemy, and take it back!

I agree with Kolleen that you need to talk straight to your mom. I know your sister told you not to, but this is between you and your mom and the decision should rest between the two of you. With regard to the gentleman, I wouldn't do this unless it is absolutely your last remedy and with much caution. Before it might even become an issue, I think it would be wise to speak with his Pastor to find out what type of gentleman he is. Find out who his friends and neighbors are, and speak with them as well.

God Bless and Love,

Verna

Praying for you Susan.  Remember Christ has given you everything you need to defeat this.  By His stripes you are healed.  He is not sitting on the wayside hoping you figure this out.  He is feeling your pain right along with you.  He knows every tear, every fear and His heart is there with you every moment.  Lay your head on His chest and find some peace.  He will never leave you nor forsake you.

http://www.worldchallenge.org/en/node/14105

by David Wilkerson, Tues. July 19
[May 19, 1931 – April 27, 2011]
Moses had a disposition like many of us today so there was only one way for him to stay in victory. He continually communed with the Lord: “And the Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend” (Exodus 33:11). I believe the secret to holiness is very simple: Stay close to Jesus! Keep looking into his face, until you become like the image you behold.
One evening a hysterical woman stopped me on the street and blurted out a desperate confession. “Mr. Wilkerson,” she cried, “I’m facing the darkest hour of my life and I don’t know which way to turn. My husband has left me and it’s all my fault! I have failed God and my family. What in the world am I going to do?”
I was moved to tell her, “My friend, lift up your hands right here on this street corner, and begin to worship the Lord. Tell him you know you are a failure, but you still love him. Then go home and get on your knees. Don’t ask God for a thing, just lift your hands and your heart and worship him.”
I left that lady standing on the street with her hands raised to heaven, tears rolling down her cheeks, praising the Lord and already tasting the victory that was surging back into her life. “But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel” (Psalm 22:3). The Lord makes his dwelling with his people who are worshipping, and where the Lord is, victory follows.
Christ says: “Him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out” (John 6:37).
“Come unto me, all ye [failures] that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
Don’t be afraid of failure. Keep going in spite of it. Worship God until victory comes! This may sound like an oversimplification, but the way past failure actually is simple.
 

Susan, I am sorry.  Well, unfortunately you now know where you stand with your mother.  Does she tell you why your staying with her would be unhelpful or why she could not cope with your staying with her?  It sounds like she has anxiety and panic issues herself, and if that's true, that would be more helpful for you to forgive her and not feel so hurt.  Don't let the devil put bitterness in your heart for her.  That is a tool the devil loves to use to keep us down. I know it's not easy when you're so hurt and rejected,  but it can do you more harm than good to allow the devil to attack you with that.

Thank God that the government gave you an advanced payment for another two weeks of rent.  How did that come about?  Are they going to help you every month, or is this a on-time thing? Have you met with the social worker?  I would love to see you receive a larger government subsity to cover your rent for every month.  I will continue to pray for that.

I know that you're exhausted and discouraged.  I know that you struggle every single day to do the simpliest things.  That's why the Lord has put it in our hearts to love and pray for you, because He loves you and has compassion for you. Don't give up.  Keep taking those steps forward, asking the Lord to help you. You have great courage.  Just cling to the Lord.

Love and hugs, dear sister.  You're not alone.

*hug* i'm sorry, susan. i will pray for you and your daughter.

Susan, my Aussie friend.  I pray for you so often.  I have a few thoughts.  I am glad that your family has planned a family meeting.  I have a thought about that.  I would love to see a social worker or therapist or your pastor to be there to help it be very effective to meet your needs.  I would not want it to be a session where they show you disrespect.  I think they are all stressed because of your sister's illness. I think your mom is struggling with the issues of life and she is in denial about your situation.  At her age, she may not be as mentally able to process as it appears on the surface.  That may be why she appears to be bright and happy and why she appears to just be thinking about her own needs.  Unfortunately, it is how aging affects a lot of older people.  I'm thinking that may be why she seems so uncaring.  I just don't want this meeting to end up being difficult for you.  That is why I would love to see a professional person who is not emotionally involved to be there to keep it helpful and loving.  If not, then I know you will be able to handle them.  I will be praying for you.  Keep us posted.