Thank you all for your prayers and support (Lisa - dear sis - I can feel you are praying for me daily).
I thought things could not get more rock bottom - however today I found myself unable to get out of bed. My legs are so shaky they won't carry me. So I am sitting up in bed with my laptop here - praying.
This illness/disease - whatever it is - of anxiety and utter panic/terror is a demon for sure. But I do not know what else to do to combat it. I have rebuked it in Jesus' name many times. I have tried during the past week many many avenues seeking help (Australian Governement, Housing welfare, Missions etc) - even my church can only offer pastoral counseling and Im now too scared to leave the house. I know what this is - it is agoraphobia and it's terrifying. I honestly - stand back in amazement - and can't believe this has happened to me. Confident and capable Susan - always there for everyone else - always in control - and wham.
No luck on the housing issue - I am down to 2 weeks now and I have no idea how to go about anything. I have heavy furniture and all my personal posessions - nowhere to store things even if I could find shelter.
On top of all this - my sister, Christine, is rapidly going downhill (terminal cancer). She sounds so very weak when I speak to her on the phone and she's losing her voice as the tumor in her spine is pressing on certain nerves. Out of my family - she has offered me a place to stay. This is unbelievable to me - my sister - who is dying - has offered that I can stay with them. I cannot do it - firstly - her daugher (my niece) would have an utter fit (she's a doctor and very protective of both her Mother and my Mother - her Nan). Secondly - how could I foist myself on this very private time that is left between husband and wife. It's unthinkable. I am very grateful and very touched but she would have a huge added burden of me in their house and "me" at the moment is an ill me - that would be terrible for her. Also I could not have even one cat there - they have dogs that hate cats (they live on a farm) so still this problem and the problem of furniture storage etc. I have considered it but I feel there is no way I can put them in this position - she offered from desparation and love.
Lastly - I feel this horrible hopelesness and such a sense of being an utter failure. I have tried so hard to beat this thing. I have forced myself places I didn't want to go and held back the panic which has then burst out as I come home. I have tried rationalising it - and telling myself it is so utterly stupid. But - the thing is - it's not just free floating fear. There is the very real fear/threat of homelesness and this further impacts the condition.
I wish I could say any of the agencies I have called here in Australia have been helpful but really quite the opposite. I am on disability but it only covers food and things like power, phone etc. It is a small amount which includes $95 rental assistance per fortnight - my fnitely rental is $660. Also if I break my lease (which expires in November) I will have terrible rental references and find it very hard to ever rent again.
I guess you'll all see how my brain is circling wearily around and around like a horrid broken record. Today I have not even been able to pray - last night I prostrated myself and prayed much.
This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me in my life - and today I caught myself contemplating taking a whole pack of pills and just never waking up. That scared me stupid so I rang my Doctor and we had a good chat - He is a gem. Please don't worry - I would never do it because I think it's a sin and it would cause far too much grief - but our minds will bring that up at times and it becomes a very scary thought.
Thank you all simply for 'listening' - sometimes it is helpful just to write down what is happening and of course I value your prayers so much. I am so sorry if this smacks of self pity - I am trying hard not to fall into that trap - I just feel so desparate and so very very alone.
God bless you all - faithful prayer warriors. Perhaps the Lord is using this to refine me in some way for something in the future that I cannot even begin to imagine. Because - there must be a reason to all this.
ysiC, Susan in Aussie Land.